My Future Plan

  1. I wanna be settled in Europe and I will do everything in my power to make that possible. I will learn languages, learn new technologies. Learn Android and I-phone programming. I will learn German, Spanish, French and Italian. I will not settle in that fucking country called India.
  2. I want Rose. I will do everything to make that work.
  3. I promise to update myself. I will make myself more useful. I will burn myself in doing so.
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Detached

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I am on the verge of getting detached from the world. I am on the verge drowning myself in the in-worldly. I am running away from every logical and sensitive thing. I shall reject every thing that doesn’t go with me and bend everything to bow to my will. I shall get what I want or I shall denounce the world as I know it.

I don’t wanna sleep. I don’t wanna eat. I wanna spend my time in gaining access to the subconscious. I want to understand the way the brain works. I want to read… read.. and then read some more. I want to this Rose. I want it. I am not gonna accept a world that is without the Rose.

Introspective

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I wish I had better guidance when I was in my college. I wish I had studied more and had concentrated more on my job. I wish I had been more after money, career etc.. and never went for passions or love – I would have been a machine and so life would have hurt me a lot less. Or I wish I had acted on my passions and left the job early – that way I would have made myself set into romantic way and a lack of steady income would have turned me more creative. Now here I am not into anything. Not into my job neither am I into my passions.

But I will have to work. I want to work on linguistics. I will see if I could join a university and get a degree from the university in Germany. I will gain proficiency in as many languages as possible. I will devote to myself to arts and sciences. I will control my moods and habits of sleeping. I will burn with more passion. I will work towards promoting myself and earning respect among my team mates.

I am not sure of Amy. She might be as confused as I was when I was 23. To be frank, if I die today, happily trapped in her world and friends, she might not even know that for months. For the first time, I have a fear of losing her. I could only try and that I will.

Criminology notes – the very basics

Forensic Large

Cesare Lombroso: He believed that criminal behavior is inherited and he even went on to hypothesize certain physical qualities of criminals.

  1. Forward Jaw Projection – high testosterone
  2. Low slopping foreheads
  3. High Cheekbones – high testosterone
  4. Flattened or Upturned nose
  5. Large Chins – high testosterone
  6. Hawk-like noses
  7. Hard, shifty eyes – deep seated uneasiness
  8. Scanty beard
  9. Insensitive to pain.

Sigmund Freud: Freud felt that people with higher superegos, who suffer high level of guilt, commit crimes as a means to attract the punishment to relieve them of their guilt. Freud identified the principle of pleasure and stated people who do not legal ways of meeting satisfying their biological and unconscious urges commit crimes.

August Aichorn: He had identified three traits humans that could lead to criminal behavior. They are:

  1. The desire for swift and immediate gratification.
  2. Placing desire over the ability to have meaningful relation with others.
  3. A general lack of guilt over actions.

Albert Bandura: He postulated that when criminal behavior goes unpunished, that gets repeated.

Summary:

  1. Criminals tend to think and react in a different way right from their childhoods and driven by their impulses, self-centeredness and the emotions of fear and anger
  2. Criminals suffer no actual remorse although they seek sympathy
  3. The lesser-size of frontal lobe –the part of the brain that is responsible for decision making, emotional processing and purposeful behaviors- and/or amygdale –the seat of emotions- could spur cause criminal behavior.
  4. Psychopathic criminals tend to lack the capability to process the facial expressions such as fear and dread.
  5. Psychopathic criminals exhibit unnatural fearlessness, lack of anxiety over the future or the associated consequences.
  6. Criminals tend to have thinner and longer Corpus Callosum –the bridge that separates the right side from the left side. It also observed that the criminals tend to have hyperactive communication between the right and left hemispheres of their brain hence the confusion over the rational and irrational thoughts.

Cues to identify a psychopath in a natural setting:

  1. Shifty and secretive behavior.
  2. Emotional Predating: Some psychopaths will latch onto people’s emotions and destroy them from within.
  3. Parent Seeking: Some psychopaths make to feel like you have assumed a parental role and then use your care taking skills to expose your vulnerabilities and destroy you.
  4. Jekyll and Hyde characters.
  5. Facial and neck tattoos.
  6. Thirsty eyes.

Some characteristics of Psychopaths:

  1. Lack of Caring
  2. Shallow Emotions
  3. Lack of Responsibility
  4. Insincere Speech
  5. Overconfidence
  6. Narrowing of attention

 

The problem with Atheists/Rationalists

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The problem is that the folk who call themselves atheists are basically armchair-ish. The problem is intellect. The problem is their tolerance. If they think that something is foolish or someone is being foolish (note the word ‘foolish’), they make a movie or crack a joke or make fun of it. On the contrary, the people who are religious -who are supposed to be peaceful- kill others when they think that others are being blasphemous (the word is not ‘foolish’). And then there are countries that protect the fucking all powerful god from the puny human act of blasphemy. What an irony?!

If all the religions are hell bent on peace why is that the religious extremists are not extremely peaceful but notoriously violent? Tell me that one holy fucking book that states that all humans are equal (no chosen race, no chosen caste etc…) and doesn’t condone murder, slavery and rape. And what what wrong is that to resist this moral perversion called religion? I had heard tales about the double standards religion encourages, I know the bias it observes based on gender, caste, creed etc… how the hell could any human be proud of following a religion? Instead, I feel that all theists should be ashamed that they are subscribing to this moral-perversion. And every tendency to get attracted towards faith should be kept in check my the government. But unfortunately, we have prime ministers praising Babas (e.g. Ram Rahim Baba), we have governors who visit temples. We had a president who used to lick the feet of religious people. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with easterners?

Disinterested

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Dear diary,

     I don’t know what is happening with me. I came to this place with a lot of excitement. Now I feel like I don’t care neither where I am not what I do. I don’t feel like I am living right now. Except for a few things everything seems a mechanical routine. Except for reading books and a few friendly chats, life feels void. I am not able to give my best to anything. I am bored. I am tired. I feel like sleeping all through the day. I feel like quitting the work and taking myself off to some places. I am not participating in the buzz of life and I don’t want to.

Just two weeks ago, I was bristling with life. I had plans, answers and quests-todo’s for my future life. Today, all I have is doubts and questions. If someone were to ask me what I was doing yesterday, I wold answer in negatives. Living a day seems to me like wading though waters. This is not depression. This is just the lack of interest in anything nearby. I don’t know what I need and want (or may be I do) and I need it badly. So badly that nothing around me interests me apart from that hazy, faraway thing. May be I need a new beginning. May be I need to destroy myself and then recreate myself. But then I am not feeling any severe pain but just a mild lathergy. I am not interested in dying but not in life either.

Life, sorry to put you through this. If you had been making your plans to fly away from me, please do that tonight while I am asleep.

Getting into Psychology

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I did start this year wanting to venture into Psychology. Even started a book and left it at there. Bought some more but like a young girl, waiting for her Mr-right-guy, I had been waiting for the right-moment since then. But finally, the wait is over.

 

But this time, I am getting a chance to study the material like a student. I will have fellow students. I will have exams. I will a chance to compare myself to an actual student. I get to tutor or tutored by a student. But in the all, it’s not just Psychology but also Criminology. About brain in depression, how-brain-works and all. Great time to be alive is when you are learning something you love. Yay!!